I don’t know about you, but I share the guilt the general populous has surrounding releasing pebbles in a public place.

Deployment zone

There seems to be a sense of shame when you walk into a cubicle and release a shower (or hailing) of chocolate beads, mixed with the thunder of flatulence. I am hear to tell you to fear no more; here are my top tips to carrying out a stealthy and shameless number two.

Pick a toilet which has relatively low foot traffic. You don’t want people to eavesdrop on your rhythmic pitter-patter, nor do you want anyone to see you emerge relieved. Anonymity is important for saving face.

Cushion the fall. Before you begin deployment, take a good few pieces of toilet paper and scrunch it up into a large fluffy ball. This creates a fantastic landing zone, padding the fall, and hence muffling the noise. This will save you from those larger atomic bombs which seem to make the loudest noise on contact with water, however this will not mute the vibrating cheeks caused by flatulence…

Timing is everything. If you feel an onset of a ‘big one’ or a ‘large gust’, be sure to detonate when either no one is in the room, or when another occupant flushes the toilet or uses the air towel. They act as brilliant camouflage, masking any noise you could make by using your rear. If equipped with one, a newspaper can also create good cover – just rustle the newspaper and bombs away. Failing that, you could always resort to a forced cough or sneeze, but be aware, coughing/sneezing and releasing goods at the same time does require skill, as a vacuum is created by the exit of air/material at both ends of the digestive tunnel.

Plan your escape. Once again, the concealment of your identity is paramount. Plan your exit when there is either no body in the confines of the bathroom; or when you are certain everyone in the room is also using a cubicle. The worst thing is when people see you coming out of the toilet, and on top of that, there is a pungent odor in the air.

Wash your hands. Sometimes you just have to come out when there are people still around. Having knowing you have just taken the trash to the curb, prevent further embarrassment and scorn by thoroughly washing those slimy hands of yours.

Now you know the tricks, be free: poop where ever, when ever – without the red cheeks.