I don’t know about you, but I share the guilt the general populous has surrounding releasing pebbles in a public place.

Deployment zone

There seems to be a sense of shame when you walk into a cubicle and release a shower (or hailing) of chocolate beads, mixed with the thunder of flatulence. I am hear to tell you to fear no more; here are my top tips to carrying out a stealthy and shameless number two.

Pick a toilet which has relatively low foot traffic. You don’t want people to eavesdrop on your rhythmic pitter-patter, nor do you want anyone to see you emerge relieved. Anonymity is important for saving face.

Cushion the fall. Before you begin deployment, take a good few pieces of toilet paper and scrunch it up into a large fluffy ball. This creates a fantastic landing zone, padding the fall, and hence muffling the noise. This will save you from those larger atomic bombs which seem to make the loudest noise on contact with water, however this will not mute the vibrating cheeks caused by flatulence…

Timing is everything. If you feel an onset of a ‘big one’ or a ‘large gust’, be sure to detonate when either no one is in the room, or when another occupant flushes the toilet or uses the air towel. They act as brilliant camouflage, masking any noise you could make by using your rear. If equipped with one, a newspaper can also create good cover – just rustle the newspaper and bombs away. Failing that, you could always resort to a forced cough or sneeze, but be aware, coughing/sneezing and releasing goods at the same time does require skill, as a vacuum is created by the exit of air/material at both ends of the digestive tunnel.

Plan your escape. Once again, the concealment of your identity is paramount. Plan your exit when there is either no body in the confines of the bathroom; or when you are certain everyone in the room is also using a cubicle. The worst thing is when people see you coming out of the toilet, and on top of that, there is a pungent odor in the air.

Wash your hands. Sometimes you just have to come out when there are people still around. Having knowing you have just taken the trash to the curb, prevent further embarrassment and scorn by thoroughly washing those slimy hands of yours.

Now you know the tricks, be free: poop where ever, when ever – without the red cheeks.

I walk down the street, not tripping over, walking dead centre of the footpath, walking like a pro. About one hundred meters away, someone (who I have never met before) is walking up the path, in the opposite direction. They haven’t yet made eye contact, because you rarely look upwards when you’re walking up-hill, otherwise you’re going to stumble like a drunk.

As she walks closer we make eye contact, “crap, she’s seen me” I tell myself. Our paths are going to soon collide – but do I greet or not? There’s about 20 seconds to run some calculations to determine whether a greeting is going to be exchanged:

Are they intimidating looking?
Do they look egotistical?
Are they preoccupied (music playing device)?

Good golly, she’s getting closer, and HQ hasn’t dispatched an official course of action. I seem to panic, and decide to instead shut my mouth, stupid in retrospect. She said “hi” just as our paths overlapped. Now I’m in trouble – it was the point of no return. It would look stupidly awkward if I replied now, as I would need to turn my neck before I could greet. You can really only safely greet before, or at the same time as they voice a “hello”. And if I didn’t reply? Well I would look like a douche as well, a silly non-caring Asian, the usual culturally-inward Asian you see on the street, my chance to buck trends, gone.

I increase my pace two-fold to the safety of the next street.

There is no doubt that a handful of colours have certain nondetachable feelings associated them, and one in particular is without argument feminine.

Photo credit: stutefish

For the first few years at primary school (at my one anyway), we had these book bags which hung around the back of our chair. It was where we stored our books, and pens, but also allowed quick and easy transportation of school-gear to-and-from our school bags.

I had just turned five, just started to get addicted to LEGO, and it was my first week at school. Within that first week, I was taken into a room at the back of the classrooms. No I wasn’t in trouble, nor was I to be beaten to death; it was to choose my very own book bag!

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So I recently went to the dentist, that went fine, till near the end when my stomach started to churn.

I needed to go poos and quick! Fortunately, my super-toilet-resistance skills prevailed and I was able to keep the untimely wave of waste in. And so, I left the dentist in an epic hunt for a toilet.

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It’s horrible when a client doesn’t know how to pronounce your website’s address.

I must under-go rebranding as too many people mis-pronounce my website’s stupid name. It’s ‘be-three-en’ dammit, not ‘Brethren’ – which has been what most my clients have been calling it.

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